I can be such a “b”sometimes. And by “b” I mean I can be a real Mitch. Leaving the autocorrect as it stands. Guess what? You can be a real Mitch sometimes too. So, as a woman who is really trying to let the peace of Christ rule in her heart, it is endlessly frustrating when I let Mitch get the best of me.
My ex was seeing someone else. I talked for maybe a week about how he had really let his standards slip. Not okay. I had to go back and apologize to all the people I vented to. I don’t even want to be with him, but Mitch was NOT happy. Still not thrilled about it. So frustrating.
A friend expresses that my actions have been hurtful. Instead of reacting in love and care, I feel the heat rise in my cheeks because I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone. Mitch thinks their expectations are unreasonable. Mitch doesn’t want to think about the fact that this friend is a beautiful, caring person who has been there through the good and the bad.
Another friend is unkind or distant towards me. Mitch thinks they can go pluck themself. Maybe they are just stressed or having a bad year. Maybe I could just kill them. With kindness.
The point is, I am so often disappointed with my heart. No, this isn’t the most uplifting thing I’ve ever written. But it’s the truth and I wonder if you struggle with anger, too? If it’s not anger, it’s something. The God in me is the only reason I care, the only reason I can say definitively that it’s not okay to just sit in my pride or my negative emotions. I don’t like being around negative people, so it bothers me when I see that in myself.
I can be “The Christian” at work, and I can control my outward actions, but the heart is what God cares about. I do love people and I do love Jesus. My path has changed (with an extremely stupid and destructive detour here and there), and I have joy and hope lots of the time. It’s just frustrating that no matter how much I pray or read about freedom in Christ, there are times I walk by a mirror and see Mitch looking back at me, one eyebrow raised, with more attitude than Jada Pinkett-Smith.
So, pray for me! Mitch. Has. Got. To. Go. I want to be a good friend, and I don’t want to let anger eat into good times I could be having. It’s so destructive, and counteracts who I want to be. Only God can free me from it. I truly believe that. My hot-headedness has been around longer than Miley Cyrus, and I can’t just wish it away. God, help me!
Am I alone in this? Lemme know so that I can promptly delete this post and write something on Proverbs 31: The Attributes of the Virtuous Woman.
Ang(ry) in RVA